2 Fast 2 Furious 2 Me

he’s only gone and written a sequel.

It’s been a decade since I last watched a Fast and Furious film. A decade since me and my Flatmate attempted 2 watch all of the F&F franchise in 7 days. A decade since the films and my own life blurred. All that time, and I can still picture every pedestrian I raced on the high street, every old lady I called ‘my bitch’ as I over2k them, every sleeve I cut from a t-shirt. I can still feel the lightning that struck my body after my Flatmate chucked me out the window, because we didn’t have time 2 watch the eighth film before our NOW TV free trial ran out.

My muscles have shrunk. My hair and sleeves have both grown back. It’s taken some time, but I finally feel like me again.

I left that journey with the resolution 2 track down F8, whether on subscription service or a DVD in a charity shop and watch it. I left that resolution when I was arrested trying 2 steal a DVD from HMV. Clearly it wasn’t meant 2 be. If it was it wouldn’t have been £14.99.

My Flatmate? We ended up drifting apart. She was determined 2 complete the franchise, and I didn’t need that anymore. They were just films about cars and muscled men with limited dialogue. There were other films out there 2 enjoy, like Paddington 2 on repeat forever. She moved out, and she became my Ex-Flatmate. It made sense for us.

I haven’t seen her for 8 years, but that’s okay because I’ve been real busy. I’ve got a new goal. I’ve been staying inside quite a bit, mainly watching Paddington 2, to the extent I’ve decided 2 try 2 reach the numb watch. 2 clarify the numb watch is when you watch a film enough times that you don’t feel a thing; not even when Paddington‘s aunt knocks on the door at the end. One night I was watching, waiting for that knock to knock the tears out of my goddam eyes when I heard my front door. It had been kicked from its hinges.

My Ex-Flatmate stood silhouetted holding a DVD in one hand, and a Corona in the other.

My sleeves dropped 2 the ground.

The Fate of the Furious (2017)

Yes, my sleeves were off, but I wasn’t fully convinced. These films were still dumb and barely made sense.

This one starts in Cuba with Dominic Toretto’s cousin getting in trouble, the kind of trouble that is only resolved by cars going fast. Dom’s allowed to take his cousins place in the race, on the stipulation that he drive the slowest car on the island. He begins stripping the car of everything extraneous like mirrors, doors, and brakes. There’s a lot of sweaty men and proclamations about ‘family’ and honestly it’s fine. It’s nice seeing the F&F films go back to their basic formula of good bald guy in a race versus bad guy, bad guy cheats and then drives slightly ahead for most of the race then good bald guy presses the nitrous oxide (NOS) button that makes cars go fast and wins the race. Predictably, this scene in Cuba has Dom driving fast, but not fast enough. His opponent cheats to get ahead. Dom then presses the NOS button, but instead of insuring victory — it causes his engine to explode.

Toretto’s engulfed in flames. I lean forwards, engulfed in the tension. Sure, these films are dumb but I’m still human, I still want Dom to win. Dom may be flamin’ hot, but this guys a Cheeto.

Dom reversers his car, and the Hot Wheels logic of flames=speed comes into effect, as his fiery car reverses past his opponent and over the finish line in first place.

Dom jumps out his car just as it veers off the road and explodes. He stands tall, wearing bright white trousers. They are barely singed. I chug my Corona. I’m back baby.

Dom and Letty have formed an idyllic life for themselves in Cuba, until Academy Award winner Charlize Theron turns up. She tries to blackmail him into doing something crooked, and we know it works because he instantly changes from a white vest into a black vest.

Much is the same as previous instalments, people over rely on cars to solve their problems and the cars are a mixture of the hardest surface known to man or the equivalent of bouncy castles depending on who they hit. Letty bounces off, while Henchman #2 explodes on impact.

Dom betrays his team, stealing a nuclear weapon. Dom’s conflicted about this, but also could just really need a poo. It’s a lot of the same facial expressions. Dom gives a lot of looks where he’s supposed to be tormented over his acts of villainy but just looks confused. I don’t believe for a second he’s conflicted about any of this, while also not believing that he’s truly evil, I just don’t believe he’s a real person. Unlike Paddington. Dom’s like Frankenstein’s monster but made entirely out of meat.

I must be sobering up at this point because I find myself yawning and looking to my Paddington themed watch. There’s a whole two hours left. I miss my hairy king.

The Family are obviously confused, and all meet up to bitch about Dom. It’s strange seeing them all without Paul Walker’s Brian, who was very much the heart of these films and who Dom could never even think of betraying. There’s a new white guy to fill Brian’s void, clearly pulled at the last minute from Hollister to make me feel represented.

The Family have to team up with Jason Statham’s Shaw to beat the wrong’un Dom. Shaw’s also a wrong’un having killed Han in the preceding film. It’s all a lot of wrong’uns doing morally murky things, as much as Dom’s white and black vests want us to think, sometimes there’s a bit of grey.

Maybe Dom’s not fully a wrong’un. Turns out Academy Award winner Charlize Theron has his baby hostage. Dom didn’t even know he had a baby but recognises it as his offspring immediately from the child’s bald head.

Also, Academy Award winner Charlize Theron has dreadlocks and they do not suit her at all. Presented with this many bald heads and then suddenly Theron’s dreadlocks I forget any other hair choice. It’s a zero sum game now, It’s either dreads or nothing, and Charlize has made the wrong choice here.

At the climax, Dom decides to help save his family, this mainly involves beating up some people and changing out of a black vest into a white one. He causes a big explosion to prevent a bigger nuclear explosion, and it looks like Dom is done for. He stands, alone, about to be engulfed in the flames. He’s nearly a Dom-er Kebab. Sorry. Instead, the family pull up in their cars, and open their car doors to shield him from the blast. It’s a lot like he’s getting changed into his swimming trunks at the beach and wants some privacy.

Ex-Flatmate comes alive during the film. Her tough, steely resolve drops. She relaxes. She’s with her family. My mood, much like the height difference between the Rock and Vin Diesel, is constantly fluctuating. I want to hate what I’m seeing, it is barely coherent, it barely has a script, it barely has any bears, but it wears me down.

The film ends with a BBQ. Dom raises a bottle of Corona as his family watches, he mumbles ‘Salud mi Familia’. I instinctively raise my own bottle. This is my family as well.

“What’s next?” I asked, keen as a bean.

My Ex-Flatmate simply slides a cinema ticket across the table.

The excitement dropped from my face. It’s been a while since I’d been outside.

“Out there? Can’t we just watch Paddington 2? I’m so close to not feeling a thing!”

She picked me up by my collar and threw my ragdoll body through the window. The glass shattered upon impact, luckily her car was parked outside to break my fall.

Fast 9 (2020 2021)

I stood in the cinema foyer soaking in what was about to happen. I would finally see a Fast and Furious film in the cinema, where they deserve to be seen. I was about to see a film in the cinema, something I hadn’t done for years.

My Ex-Flatmate goes off to buy Coronas at the bar. I’m pumped, full to the brim with NOS, in excitement for F9. Paddington who? Does that little bear even have biceps? I get out my phone and start reading F&F trivia to pass the time. Apparently, in order to keep his physique, the Rock eats a whole chicken every 30 seconds. I’m giddy. Word has it that Tokyo Drift is an adaptation of War and Peace. Wow. According to some, the Rock’s part was originally planned for Tommy Lee Jones. I’m practically shaking in the foyer.

My Ex-Flatmate taps me on the shoulder, I fall to the ground. “You ready to head in?” she asks as I pick myself up. “I reckon they’ve stopped playing adverts for those other pieces of shit” She says in reference to all other contributions to cinema. “Oh, I thought ‘Minari’ actually looked really good” I replied. “PIECE — OF — SHIT” she spelled out slowly.

She walked off towards the screen. I stood; this was it — I was back in the cinema. After years upon years inside watching Paddington 2, I was outside again. I looked to my phone, still in my hand, still on F&F trivia.

Huh. Supposedly, the Brazilian baddie in Fast 5 is based on Andrew Garfield’s character in The Social Network (2010).

I turn around and leave the cinema.

The Social Network (2010)

I know leaving My Ex-Flatmate behind like that was rude — but how can I be expected to watch the latest part in the F&F saga without seeing all the films first? What if I don’t follow the plot? Yeh, that’s it. I want to have the ideal cinematic experience when I do go outside, and I definitely will, I just need to be inside for a bit first. Yeh that makes sense.

David Fincher’s The Social Network is a natural addition to the Fast and Furious saga — excluding that most characters have hair, there’s not really any cars, and apart from Andrew Garfield’s Edwardo, no other characters return in later films. In many ways The Social Network is an obvious prequel to Fast 5. Mark’s sexist inception behind Facebook is matched by the objectifying gaze of the Fast films. Both Mark and Dom are awful at naming their creations. Mark made an innovative cross campus networking platform that would later revolutionise the world and called it FaceSmash. Dom built a racing competition from the ground up and called it Race Wars. Both awful.

Watching this film starring potential cannibal Armie Hammer produced by Kevin Spacey and Scott Rudin about the incelly origins of end of days bringer Mark Zuckerberg in 2021 feels somewhat icky. But it is very good. And 100% part of the saga. I’d place it chronologically, somewhere between 2F2F and F&F. Plus, it’s the only film in the saga to be nominated for an Oscar.

Everyone talks so fast, there’s more lines in this than in all the other Fast & Furious films combined. Hell, there’s more lines of cocaine in Justin Timberlake’s dressing room than Vin Diesel can count to.

Every time, alleged cannibal Armie Hammer is on screen I worry about what happened to his twin, whose film career stopped abruptly after this film.

Holy shit, there’s a rowing race. Just when I think the whole film is rapid fire dialogue between nerds, the Winklevoss twins enter a boat race. Race wars are back baby, and they’ve never been so wet. Fincher’s direction here is clearly borrowed from the drag race scene in 2F2F, with one team edging ahead and then the other pushing in front only for the others to push ahead again. It’s neck and neck. And then, before anyone can press a button labelled NOS or before a boat can burst into flames, it simply ends. Disappointing to say the least. Massively disappointing to say the most.

I wonder if Dominic will have to fight against Mark Z at some point in the franchise. The twelfth film titled ‘The Fast and The Face’ will see Dom finally defeat voter suppression, white supremacy, and disinformation. D versus the Q. We know Dom is fast but is he more furious than a middle aged mum outcast from Mumsnet who is convinced that vaccines made Ben Affleck get that back tattoo, Chris Pine take part in the Imagine Video, and Obama wear that damn tanned suit.

Maybe Dom gets frustrated at the family section on his profile when he reaches the maximum number of family members. Maybe Dom finds the categories limiting. How can Dom’s relationship with Shaw, a man who killed his friend and nearly killed his other friends but then saved his baby and went to a BBQ Dom organised, be reduced to something as vague as ‘cousin’ or ‘brother’. Maybe Dom is annoyed that Mark dropped the ‘the’ from Facebook before he had a chance to drop it from ‘The Fast and The Furious’. Maybe Dom wants Justin Timberlake as his bland white friend and Mark already shot gunned him. The possibilities are endless.

Fast 9 (part 2)

I boot up my laptop. My fingers tremble as I search for the cinema times. I tell myself that I’m just excited, but I’m always excited for the Hugh Grant prison dance scene in Paddington 2 and my fingers never shake like this. The times load up on the screen. I’m about to click when I see below the news story ‘Vin Diesel releases new single ‘Feel Like I Do’.

I click.

Anything to stay inside.

Feel Like I Do (2020)

This could be fundamental. What if it plays during F9’s credits and I don’t know the words? I will not be the only chump in the audience who doesn’t know the words.

We all had hobbies during the pandemic. Making sourdough bread, learning new languages, knitting. Vin Diesel had his music career. We all needed things to keep us busy. Only difference is his hobby is actually worse than the pandemic.

I know that feels harsh and tasteless given the severity of the global pando. But I mean it. Who am I to judge his chosen way of expressing himself? When he shows us his soul, who am I to laugh? Problem is, he’s not expressing himself. His hit single ‘Feel Like I Do’ is just vague. He’s not expressing anything. It’s like he was trying to talk about his feelings but couldn’t think of a metaphor. It feels like…urrr…how it feels. It feels like it feels like it feels like it feels. Trouble is, I don’t know how you feel Vin. How can I feel like you feel if I don’t know how you feel? I actually don’t know how you feel.

I watched a 90 minute DJ set from Vin to change my mind. I watched in awe. We’ve seen the physical strength of this man across 8 films; for him to use a turntable, let alone hold a vinyl in his bare hands, must take an enormous amount of concentration. What a guy.

I should go find My Ex-Flatmate; I tell myself. I’ve delayed this enough. I was about to stand up, I promise, when my eyes drifted to the DVD of Paddington 2. I wasn’t used to seeing it outside, it normally lives in the DVD player ready waiting for me to press play. My Ex-Flatmate’s copy of F8 replaced it’s slot. It looked unnatural. It’s meant to be inside. Not outside. I go to swap the DVD’s when I hear a rumble.

The ground shakes.

The walls vibrate.

My Ex-Flatmate punches a hole straight though the wall. She looks at me with an intensity that could match Dom’s.

I tried to tell Ex-Flatmate what I’d learnt. That I had good reason for running away from her. “Edwardo from the-”

She cut me off. “-from the Social Network is the inspiration for the Brazilian drug lord Hernán Reyes in Fast 5. No more excuses. Let’s go”.

In change of tack, this time she didn’t lob me out of my window, she held out a hand. It was time to go outside again.

I took her hand.

Fast 9 (part 3)

We went to a midnight screening, surrounded by teenage couples on first dates. I turn to Ex-Flatmate, misty eyed “Remember when that was us?” She shushed me, even though it was during the adverts. Always a passionate protector of the theatrical experience.

There’s a point with these films where it becomes hard to make fun of them, they are so aware of the joke that anything poking fun at them seems to miss the point. When reality is absurd enough it’s better to just state what is happening.

The film is so wild that a magnet plane is introduced casually in the first 15 minutes. A car jumps off a cliff and is caught by a plane, like a big fridge in the sky. The Family shrug their shoulders, unfazed, they know what’s coming, they are prepared for how wild this film gets.

Speaking of wild, Helen Mirren is in this one, and makes Dom visibly horny to the point he forgets he has a wife and child. If there’s anyone that could make Dom say fuck family it’s Helen fuck family Mirren.

The film starts with Dom having retreated from driving cars and saving the world from global threats, he’s now a farmer. This is a tease for F10 when Dom’s green thumb will lead him to fix global warming. He’ll find a way to fuel cars with carrots and potatoes or something. Or something? What am I saying? He’s 100% going to fuel it with his Mexican lager of choice, Corona. He’s pulled away from the tractors back into the life of cars when his brother does some bad stuff.

John Cena plays Dom’s brother. Uh Huh. John Cena. It seems unlikely and my brain doesn’t want to process it, but it definitely happens. Dom has a brother, who he’s never mentioned before and he’s played by John Cena who plays Dom’s brother who is played by John Cena who plays Dom’s brother, that he’s never mentioned before. The film winks at the unlikeliness of this, Helen Mirren remarks that they look similar, self-awareness is this franchise’s antidote to ridiculousness, and helps me slurp down the fact that John Cena plays Dom’s Brother who is played by John Cena.

We see flashbacks to the brothers in their youth. Dom has hair. I’m shocked. We see his father die in a car race when his vehicle combusts. Dom tries to rescue him from the fire but is pulled back. Both his hair and sleeves are burnt away. I’m also shocked that Dom has been in a flaming vehicle at least 5 times and not once felt trauma over this being how his father dies.

At one point, when surrounded by baddies, Dom lets his Family escape and faces them all by himself. Just before the punching starts, Dom rips his sleeves from his shirt. This act, akin to the tearing of the Holy of Holies, is a sacrifice in return for all of our sins being forgiven. It’s a noble gesture, and Dom knows it. Minutes later, after literally collapsing the building with his hands, Dom holds the Jesus crucifix pose as he falls to his presumed death.

Dom survives of course. Everyone does. No matter how unlikely. Roman jokes that he’s survived so many unlikely situations he must be indestructible, Ex-Flatmate whispers to me, clearly distressed, “This means he will die in a heroic sacrifice at the end, it’s storytelling 101”. But F9 doesn’t play by any rules of storytelling. It’s less a subversion and more just straight up ignoring. F9 missed storytelling 101, it missed storytelling for beginners, was gifted storytelling for dummies but didn’t read that either. F9 is the result of an 8 year old with an unlimited budget and an unlimited pile of Hotwheels.

Having only seen the whole film once, my memory is slightly foggy. Here’s some things that happen that I can’t remember the context for. There’s a party set in London attended by only people from LA. You can tell because nobody has bad teeth, and everyone dresses in white. At one point Dom is fleeing some bad guys in a car, and brakes suddenly when faced with a canyon in front. He simply smiles and, whilst still inside his car, swings on a vine like Tarzan across to the other side.

Oh, one more thing. Han’s back! Yeh you heard me, Hans back baby. How’s that possible? Didn’t he die engulfed in the flames of an exploding car back in Tokyo Drift, and then again in a flashback at the end of F6 and in another flashback in F7 where we also saw his funeral? The film clearly doesn’t want the viewer to dwell on this, and I can feel my brain wrestle with what’s happening on screen. He’s baack! Cool, but how? Han’s back babaay. But how? Look who’s back it’s Han. We saw him die. Three Times. And he’s back.

Oh, one more one more thing. In this one they go to space. Space. Yup, space. Not a space, the space. You don’t even need the ‘the’ it’s just Space. Space. How’d they get to space? They drove. Any more silly questions? And before you ask them, ask yourself two questions: Can this question be answered by simply the word family? And is it worth asking about physics in a Fast and Furious movie? You’d be better whispering your gripes into the wind.

When Roman and Tej left the Earth’s atmosphere, Flatmate, sorry, Ex-Flatmate reached for my hand. This wasn’t a pre-meditated ‘move’ in an effort to seduce me. This was a natural reaction to something breathtakingly magnificent happening onscreen and a desire to make sure I was witness to it.

It’s a purely cinematic experience, it’s spectacle on spectacle, it’s like a display cabinet at Specsavers.

Everything gets bigger and bigger. It went from stealing DVD’s to crime bosses, to politicians, to nuclear war, and then into space. What next? Aliens? Time travel? Dinosaurs? I could tell my Ex-Flatmate’s brain was also running through the future possibilities. She whispered across, “There’s going to be a Race War on the moon” and I replied, “You don’t have to whisper anymore, it’s the credits” and she replied, “They might play Vin Diesels ‘Feel Like I Do’ I don’t want to miss a fucking note, so shut your gob you’re lucky to be here”.

A part of me wants to see them to slow down, retire for good, and enjoy the company of their large extended family. Maybe watch Paddy 2, sit back, and have a cry. But a bigger part of me wants to see these films get bigger and bigger. Faster and faster. Furious-er and furious-er-er. Mainly to keep Vin Diesel busy and away from his music career, but also so that me and my Flatmate, sorry, Ex-Flatmate can experience these moments together. Everything gets bigger and bigger. Friends, to flatmates, to partners.

Yeh, we’d Tokyo drifted apart. Sometimes people go outside and never come back. But we were back together now, and I’d missed it. When I look at her, my heart races. I feel like… I don’t know. It’s every emotion. It’s like…when you…. It’s something. I feel…like… I feel. I feel like I feel. I feel like I do.

Forget the numb watch, I want to feel whatever F9 made me feel, whatever these moments with Ex-Flatmate make me feel. Which I imagine can be chemically replicated by consuming a bowl of coco pops with cocaine sprinkled on top while looking at a toy car. Yeh, you get hurt on the outside. Things go wrong. Inside it’s just me and Paddington. My hurt can be regulated. A nice, organised cry at minute 135 when his aunt knocks on the door. I’m home now. I’m looking at the door, waiting for a knock.

Sometimes you need to go outside. Sometimes you need to do the knocking.

It’s hard to put yourself out there, especially after being in there for so long.

I go outside and I knock on Ex-Flatmate’s door. I can feel myself falling, and I hope her car cushions my fall.

She opens her door, smiles, and moves past me. She’s dragging a packed suitcase behind her. I call out and ask her where she’s going now. She’s watched all the Fast & Furious films; her goal is complete. She’s free to do whatever.

“Tokyo” she replies and walks away.

I hope she finds what she’s looking for.

I go home and put on Paddington 2.

Will I at one point reach the numb watch? Of course.

Will I prefer every other watch, even if they make me cry? Of course.

During the film, I find myself drifting back to F9. I pause Paddington 2 and think about F9’s ending. Cars on the road going fast and doing things that cars can’t really do and family being family again. Oh, and a BBQ with Dom’s child saying “Salud mi Familia” at the end. I smile. The sleeves drop from my shirt. It’s good to be back.

thank you for reading.

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all the best, matt